Do you have a local? There are about half a dozen pubs that I go to around Bloomsbury and all the landlords hate me. I'm the bloke who sits in the corner asking them to turn the music down.
What keeps you awake at night? Toothache. I obviously didn't drink enough last night and my tooth gave me terrible trouble.
Who would
When did you last lose something valuable and what was it? I lose a pair of Ray-Bans every week — never buy expensive sunglasses is my advice.
List three things you would abolish from London life. Eating in cinemas, babies in restaurants and, of course, poverty and cancer.
When and where did you last get drunk? Despite my fondness for pubs, I haven't been roaringly drunk for a long time.
When was the last time you went to a nightclub? 1979, I think — it was somewhere in London but don't ask me to be specific.
Where is the sexiest place in London? I'm not very good on these lifestyle questions.
What don't you leave London without? My Walkman. I hate noise — chewing, sniffing, coughing, talking on mobiles — so I never go anywhere without it.
When did you last lose your temper? With the producer of Come Together with Ricky Gervais. The lights weren't working, then there wasn't any film in the camera. I'm joking, of course — the end result is a work of brilliance.
Where did you last blow £500 and what was it on? Joining that gym — £500 is a lot of money to pay for a regular supply of soft drinks.
What's the first piece of advice you'd give a London tourist? Either move faster or get out of my way.
What was the last conversation you had with a London cabbie? I never, ever have conversations with cab drivers — I've always got my Walkman on.
When was the last time you broke the law? I'm a law-abiding man. I even pay my council tax by direct debit.
If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? I'd go to London Zoo, get into a cage with one of the primates and make him dance. The tourists would freak. I'd pay to see that.
What's the best thing you can do in London without paying for it? Looting and robbing — in a non-violent way, of course.
What's the most overrated thing in London? Capital Radio.
What do you miss most when you're out of London? My flat. I love slobbing around and I hate being away from home.
What makes you proud to be a Londoner? The mile radius around my house — Bloomsbury is the best place in the world to live.
Have you ever been a victim of violence in London? I was mugged once just after I started at UCL but that was a long time ago.
What is the most expensive meal you've had in London and who did you eat with? Some executives from Channel 4 took me out for dinner and we went to a restaurant near Berkeley Square where there was a bottle of wine on the menu for £30,000. I felt I just had to call the waiter over to ask him if it was any good.
What is your favourite view? Never trust a man who doesn't drink.
What and where is your favourite painting or work of art? It's hard to single out one thing — I liked most of the stuff they showed at the Sensation exhibition.
What last made you cry? World hunger. No, I tell a lie — it was The Waltons.
Where in London would you have your ashes scattered? I've given this quite a lot of thought. My mum died recently and she loved bingo so I think it would be quite fitting if my ashes were scattered at Mecca Bingo — that way my family would feel like they were visiting both of us.
If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? My cat Colin, my pet salamander Tel and one of my twin babies.
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